Poor Communication in Relationships
Why do things sometimes go so terribly wrong?
Without us knowing why or how to handle it?
The American psychologist John Gottman has thoroughly studied videos of conversations from more than 3,000 married couples.
He discovered that certain types of behavior have a significant impact on the durability of a marriage.
The couples were filmed while talking to each other, and then Gottman and his team measured, counted, and recorded 20 different categories of emotional expressions – such as sorrow, anger, and frustration.
The analyses showed that it is quite easy to predict whether a marriage will last or if it is headed toward its end.
When the Marriage Goes Bad
Gottman found that the four worst things a couple can do to each other in a marriage are:
- defensiveness
- criticism
- obstruction
- contempt
The more frequently the couple exposed each other to these behaviors, the greater the risk of an impending divorce.
Women (or rather the feminine part in all of us) think quickly, but often in the short term.
Men (or the masculine in all of us) have more oversight and think long-term – but more slowly.
In the ideal (couple) relationship, we complement each other.
We give each other attention, and we do what we can to understand each other.
We also both choose to give the partner what they want.
However, if there is imbalance and conflict, a war between the sexes can unfold.
The difference between fast and slow thinking is why it is usually the men who experience the mentioned four worst things.
Women are typically more articulate, and some men choose to shut down and resign, or they resort to the violent solution as a conclusion to a conflict because they are often physically stronger.
All four survival strategies are inappropriate in a relationship where both parties fundamentally wish the best for each other and the relationship.
IF this is something you recognize from your own relationship, and if it’s too difficult to handle on your own, a couples therapist in Copenhagen might be helpful as a professional third party who has no emotional agenda with you.
Below is a detailed explanation of the four worst things you can do to your spouse – both men and women.
At the end of the article, I will discuss what can be done to counteract the disadvantages.
The Fourth Worst: Defensiveness
Both good and bad explanations and excuses are about either being right or gaining forgiveness, but neither benefits a reasonable mutual solution.
So, drop the excuses: Your friends don’t need them, and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.
The Third Worst: Criticism
When you criticize others, you are negatively expressing that their behavior is not acceptable.
There are three main areas a criticism can be based on:
- Professionalism (“You have no idea what you’re talking about”)
- Sense of fairness (“You’re selfish and self-centered”)
- Humanity (“You have no compassion”)
The Second Worst: Obstruction
Any attempt at communication is destroyed in various ways.
It can be by simply walking away, turning up the music, manipulations, forming alliances with the child/children, undermining well-intentioned efforts, or other childish behavior.
It can also be “stonewalling”, where communication and contact are completely shut down.
This forces the other party to raise their voice, give up, defend themselves, or even resort to violence.
The Worst: Contempt
You can show contempt for others in various ways. It can be with a snarl, ignoring, lowering your voice, becoming sharp or sneering, exhaling while speaking, humiliations, interruptions, arrogance, or simply overruling decisions (for example, if you’ve told the children they can’t have ice cream right before dinner, and your partner then gives them ice cream right in front of you).
You can also tear down your spouse with condescending remarks about their humor, stories, or opinions.
Moreover, it is contemptuous not to acknowledge the differences between the sexes.
If you’ve known each other for a long time and you think you can read your partner’s mind and know their feelings – and you tell them so – it’s one of the worst forms of contempt for another human being.
A person who shows contempt for their partner is attempting to rise above the other person.
This typically happens in ways that are meant to make the partner feel small and insignificant.
Such behaviors are almost always harmful to a relationship.
Therefore, it is necessary to become aware of it.
There can be various reasons why a person behaves this way:
If your partner feels insecure, they may need to assert themselves by showing dominance.
Or the person has low self-esteem, is stressed, or frustrated.
In such cases, the problem lies primarily with the person who shows contempt.
It is contempt if you generally do not prioritize your partner before work and children, and it is contempt not to recognize that the other prioritizes work or children as next in line after the partner.
The hidden and camouflaged contempt is bad, but it’s even worse to have it served publicly.
Stonewalling
This behavior is extremely destructive for any relationship.
A person who practices stonewalling often does it to punish their partner.
Often, it’s because they don’t dare to speak up and clearly express their frustration.
The punishment is executed with silent treatment, such as disinterest, neglect, inattention, unwillingness to listen, not looking at the partner, etc.
Stonewalling often leads to frustration for the other party, which in turn leads to raised voices, accusations, criticism, and in extreme cases, to physical violence.
A silent person can “shout” as loudly as one who uses verbal attacks. The only difference is that it is quieter.
However, stonewalling can also be a self-protective strategy if the person feels threatened or in danger.
They feel that they need a timeout to manage and find peace in a conflict.
It can also be an unconscious defense mechanism that has developed since childhood when a situation was too overwhelming to handle.
However, stonewalling is also a lack of respect for one’s partner.
If you ask the stonewaller what’s going on, the answer will often be “nothing” or a hostile “I’m fine.”
No matter what lies behind this behavior, it is essential to find out the real reasons if you want a more peaceful and balanced relationship.
Summary
If your partner exhibits any of the four destructive behaviors, it is important to address them as early as possible.
Waiting too long could cause irreparable damage to the relationship.
If you struggle to address these issues on your own, seeking the help of a couples therapist may be the best option.
Remember that successful relationships require communication, understanding, and mutual respect.
And addressing these issues proactively can help ensure the longevity and health of your relationship.
So what do you do about poor communication in relationships?
It can be really difficult if you want to maintain and improve your relationship, but your partner has chosen the negative path of excuses, criticism, blame, stonewalling, and contempt.
How do you handle your partner if you are subjected to the four aforementioned attacks and abuses?
Defensiveness
A person who is unable to say sorry is often immature with low self-esteem, or there is a serious lack of self-confidence.
Or your partner may be stressed and feeling cornered.
If he/she is defensive and explains endlessly, then ask about what they really want. Defensiveness and excuses are one of the psychological defense mechanisms used to avoid emotional pain.
When you ask questions, it will uncover ambiguities and can simultaneously raise awareness of inappropriate behavior.
Criticism
People who criticize a lot, or who are fault-finders and negative naysayers, often suffer from inferiority complexes.
They may be perfectionists but might find it difficult to live up to their own extremely high ideals.
Therefore, they tend to belittle others to justify and assert themselves.
They may also be entirely devoid of self-responsibility and believe that all the world’s troubles are someone else’s fault.
Criticism can be hidden, indirect, or unconscious.
For example, if I sweep the hallway and my spouse says, “The hallway could use a vacuuming,” it’s an indirect criticism of my initiative to sweep, and unconsciously the partner may sabotage future initiatives from my side.
If one has learned fundamentally (in childhood) to be critical, nothing will ever be good enough.
In the hallway example, I can sweep and vacuum, but then the comment might be: “The floor could also use a wash!”
In all relationships, there will always be something to point fingers at that could be different and better – if you look for it.
Without a “sandwich” (which is mentioned later in the section “How You Impact Others”), criticism will always be suppressive, destructive, and damaging to any form of development.
Your partner’s negativity may also be a symptom that he/she is in great (emotional) pain and is merely defending themselves – in a rather inappropriate and childish way.
If your partner criticizes you, you can choose to see them as a poor little immature child.
Obstruction
Obstruction often stems from misunderstandings and poor communication in relationships.
Therefore, ask clarifying questions.
Avoid getting swept up in your partner’s childish behavior.
You are the one with the overview and maturity, so it is your responsibility to ensure that you don’t end up in the mud.
Just like with criticism, to avoid getting angry, you can view your partner as an immature child who has lost all logical and rational sense and is caught up in their emotional turmoil or closed-off state.
Help him or her out of their prison with your behavior through better communication, understanding, and active listening.
Contempt
There is no indication that expressed and perceived contempt will disappear on its own. Therefore, it is best to try to manage it rather than hoping it will go away and never return.
Often, poor communication, misunderstandings, or inappropriate learned behavior cause the problems. The underlying cause may be insecurity, low self-esteem, fear (of losing control), and similar factors that initiate contempt.
Many times, perceived contempt is not meant as contempt from the sender’s point of view. The person might be mentally elsewhere, and the lack of response may be perceived as contempt.
The best remedy is to improve communication through a constructive dialogue – both to prevent being perceived as contemptuous and to better understand others.
You could try to get them to understand how this behavior affects you.
A good way to approach this is by saying, “When you say/do this, I feel hurt/disrespected.”
This way, you avoid sounding accusatory and make it clear that you are speaking from your perspective.
How You Affect Others
When you are in strong disagreement with your partner and a lot is at stake for you, you risk using inappropriate behavior in your efforts to regain control or to protect your ego.
The consequences usually become apparent in the long term.
You should always do everything you can to maintain an open connection and good communication.
Be careful that your voice doesn’t take on a sharp tone or become sarcastic.
Breathe and count to ten.
Ask for a time-out.
This way, you reduce the risk of being perceived as critical and contemptuous.
It’s important that you actively listen to what is being said, meaning that you make acknowledging sounds and repeat the essence of what has just been said. Also, ask clarifying questions to better understand your partner.
For example, you can say: “Sweetheart, I hear what you’re saying, but I know that you’re just trying to express that you love me and that you have good intentions.”
In this way, you neutralize the negativity with a dose of positivity.
To avoid criticizing others, you should use the sandwich method (i.e., first give praise, then address the problematic part in the middle, and finally conclude with praise and recognition). To get what you want, you can also use the three-step rocket by first defining for yourself what you want, then speak from your perspective, and finally ask questions.
What You Perceive
When you perceive contempt from your partner, do not take it personally – even though it can be difficult if the tirade is spiced with personal criticism and blame.
Remember, your partner might be in an emotional imbalance that triggers one of the psychological defense mechanisms.
One way to stay calm might be to perceive your partner as very immature and childish in their way of expressing themselves, or as slightly insane.
Make sure to improve communication and understand what lies behind the outbursts.
What Can Be Done
Try to communicate and find out what the message from the receiver is and what consequence it might have when you express yourself.
If you are a man with rational logic, you typically face a challenge in your relationship. Your wife, with her emotional logic, will likely, as a matter of course, try to “improve” you, meaning correct you.
It is in her nature.
Women have an inherent drive to “help” their men become “better”.
But she herself is rarely interested in being “improved”.
On the other hand, men like to “fix” everything, which can drive their woman crazy.
Remember that you cannot change your spouse. How enjoyable do you find it to be “changed” because you’re “wrong”?
- You should definitely not wish for fewer challenges in your life and daily life.
- Instead, wish for better strategies, more skills, greater adaptability, as well as more strength, overview, and tolerance.
- This will make it much easier to find meaning in the challenges and in life.
To bring alignment between what you want and what you can get, you must make an effort. When you change your perceptions and attitudes through your personal development, it is the surest way to avoid unnecessary arguments, conflicts, criticism, and contempt in the future.
Good intentions are good.
Good results are even better.
Are You Thriving ♥ – or Is It Painful in Your Relationship?
- I can save and improve your relationship quickly and effectively with very specific communication tools and strategies so that you come to understand each other.
- If the relationship is in chaos with fear, anger, confusion or stress, there may be a need for overview, structure, and clear mutual ground rules to create mutual understanding of each other.
- I am a kind of driving instructor who teaches the “Traffic Rules of Relationships”. In a way, it’s about theory, parallel parking, city driving, night driving, and skid control. All of this must be thoroughly learned before finding your own driving style – even in relationships!
If you want to find out if I can help you and your partner, please call me at phone +45 – 21 79 18 50
See more articles in English at www.parforhold-parterapi.dk/couples-therapist about couples counseling, couple therapy, couples coaching and couples therapy Copenhagen.