What Does It Take to Create a Happy Relationship for Both Partners?
Here are some good tips for the MAN who is frustrated in his relationship.
We are becoming more and more aware that we do not want to feel bad.
Fortunately, many people live happy lives, but there are still about 40% who are so miserable in their relationships that they end up divorcing.
Others put up with the most horrible situations – perhaps because the alternatives seem too frightening.
For about 50 years, it has been fashionable to be the soft man.
Originally, this was a reaction against the earlier patriarchal father figure who decided everything in an autocratic and bulldozing manner.
But today, many men and women are not satisfied with the roles that have been created, resulting in difficult family relationships or divorces.
IF it is too difficult to change the state of affairs on your own, it might be a good idea to reach out to a professional couples therapist in Copenhagen. Preferably one with a lot of experience in the field. Because if it were easy to do on your own, you would have done it long ago….
Why Are Some Men Henpecked While the Wife is a Tyrant?
Here is what usually happens when things go wrong:
He is a good and loving person who does what he is asked and complies with her. She initially becomes happy and expresses this. This makes him comply even more. But after a while, she loses respect for him and starts to nag and complain. He thinks that if he just complies even more, she will be happy. But the opposite happens. The negative spiral has begun.
It seems as if the man has been disempowered and has taken on a childish, immature, and irresponsible role in the family. What does it take for him to man up? How does he get “cured”?
The Man’s Cure for a Dominant Partner
– Is it through survival trips where he learns to be tough and set boundaries? No, most likely not. That would mostly be symptomatic treatment, which would move the problems elsewhere. It is similar to trying to drive a screw in with a hammer; you might get the screw into the wood, but the damage is colossal, and it simply doesn’t hold.
– Is it then with compassion, understanding, empathy, patience, tolerance, and a lot of leeway? No, not that either, because it has already been tried – without success.
Something completely different is probably needed to avoid dominance/oppression, and for the man to reclaim his responsibility in the family.
I believe the problems have arisen, among other things, because:
- Both have forgotten their roles – or never learned them in their upbringing
- Communication is poor or lacking
- Lack of boundary setting, responsibility, and self-responsibility
- Self-confidence and self-esteem are at rock bottom
- Contemporary trends and attitudes have undermined a reasonable role distribution in the relationship
It is not either one person’s fault or the other’s.
Both parties are responsible for something going wrong.
Whether you are a man or a woman, a relationship is about understanding each other (without necessarily agreeing but being able to see things from multiple perspectives), acknowledging each other, accepting and tolerating each other, knowing yourself, clearing up old patterns, beliefs, and attitudes, taking responsibility in the home and the relationship, creating trust, security, and respect for each other, and being able to forgive.
It is not the challenges that are the problem. The real problem is the way you handle the challenges.
So What Do You Do, Man, If Your Woman is a Dominant Partner, Grumpy, Moody, Constantly Angry, Frustrated, or Violent?
– First, you need to work on yourself and your beliefs so that you become balanced and emotionally and mentally strong.
It is projections and old ghosts, which we all have, that need to be revised.
– As a man, you must take full responsibility for yourself.
You are like the captain of a ship, who has the ultimate responsibility for everything that happens on board – even if you are not on the bridge.
If the first mate runs the ship aground, or the engineer is clumsy and the engine stops, or the sailor makes a mistake – it is still the captain who has the ultimate responsibility and must be accountable.
– Set healthy, natural, and sensible boundaries. Do not tolerate unreasonable behavior. Show your woman in a balanced way that you are a man and her man.
If you do not set healthy natural boundaries, you risk rewarding inappropriate behavior. It will likely continue in the future.
– Refrain from making excuses for big and small things. Neither the good nor the bad excuses.
– Express yourself in a clear and appropriate way.
Participate, Man!
– Participate in family life in the same way you participate in work life. Do not leave the responsibility to your woman. This includes choosing the children’s clothes, extracurricular activities, trips, family gatherings, and the like.
– Continue to care for and love your woman. Do not idolize her. Show the world that it is you two who are together. Tell her how much you love her and that you are committed to her – and her alone. This will make her feel good, feminine, loving, and accommodating.
– Get in balance with yourself so you are able to handle your woman’s frustrations. Help her by doing what you can to understand her.
– Ensure shared experiences for you and your woman – alone without children and others.
– Learn about the psychology behind projections and defense mechanisms to avoid a dominant partner. To be able to drive a car, one must also (to a certain extent) know something about how it works.
– Create situations where you talk with and listen to your woman. Show her that you hear what she says by repeating it in your own words (active listening).
DO Something!
If none of this helps, you should suggest to your partner that you go to couples therapy.
Couples therapy will give you the opportunity to:
- Improve communication between you to increase understanding of each other
- Manage ongoing problems
- Address your mutual roles
- Prevent new problems
- Maintain a well-functioning relationship
The woman you have chosen to live with is also the woman you have chosen to have your challenges with.
Even if you choose to find a new partner, it often turns out to be the same problems that recur. The “monkey comes along,” and it all starts over again.
John F Kennedy said: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.”
The mature, self-responsible man says: “It is not a question of what the relationship can do for me, but what I can do for my relationship”.
If you want to find out if I can help you and your partner, please call me at phone +45 – 21 79 18 50
See more articles in English at www.parforhold-parterapi.dk/couples-therapist