How You Can Practically and Effectively Improve Your Relationship!
Overview: In this article, you will get a thorough review of some concrete communication strategies and tools – depending on how well or difficult you find it to be with each other in given situations.
Most couples therapists help couples in crisis with general emotional problems.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with that, and it is perfectly fine.
There are thousands of couples therapists spread across the country.
However, I call myself a couples coach who does couples therapy Copenhagen and I handle my clients’ relationship challenges a bit differently.
It is done in a proven, concrete, and systematic way.
I start from your goals and strengths together, and I teach you to communicate with each other so that you understand each other in a way that makes sense – for both of you.
It’s about agreeing on clear safe boundaries in communication so you can understand each other and express yourselves freely and honestly.
If there are no agreed boundaries and rules in the relationship, misunderstandings can easily arise when talking about feelings.
For more than 30 years as an independent couples coach, I have developed various highly effective communication tools for the different challenges in a relationship.
There is, of course, a big difference in the stress level from either calm and harmony at one end of the scale to misunderstandings, chaos, and emotional pain at the other end of the scale.
See among other things the short description here.
Communication
Couples coaching is primarily about communication between the partners.
As a couples coach, I cannot solve your problems – but I can help you to solve your own problems.
I do this by teaching you new skills and strategies, and I help you communicate better with each other so you can understand each other.
There are five layers of communication, which are part of the HOFFMANN SYSTEM©. They can be used in different contexts:
- Flow (the everyday way of talking to each other)
- Conflict Management Ladder (when you are the resource person)
- Wishing Well (when you REALLY need to express your frustration, and your partner is the resource person)
- Appreciative Self-Responsible Dialogue (the grand communication tool)
- One-on-One (when it’s really bad, and I talk to you alternately)
1 – Flow
The most optimal daily communication should be like a kind of dance, where you are in flow with each other. It means a playful, easy conversation between you and your partner, where YOU talk about something that matters to YOU and then ask a question. Your partner answers the question, shares THEIR opinion, and asks a question.
This goes back and forth. While you speak, you express yourself and hear yourself. And while your partner speaks, you feel and hear the other’s opinion and can sense if you are on the same track.
Flow is like an infinity symbol, a horizontal eight, that waves back and forth between the partners: Speak from yourself – ask a short question – listen – respond – speak from yourself, and so on.
This easiest type of communication should be the daily way of talking to each other.
This technique is created by a man (me) for men (!) – because women are usually very good at asking questions naturally…
2 – Conflict Management Ladder
If you are the resource person and your partner is angry or upset, you should first use a technique called surfing.
This is the masculine way of being THE ROCK that the feminine crashes against. This applies to both men and women.
You listen for the keywords in what your partner is saying, which means the essence of what is being said. Then you say something related to this word/subject and end with a question. Your partner continues with their frustrations, and you continue listening for the next keyword.
When you can reasonably repeat what was said WITHOUT interpreting or explaining, your partner will feel heard, seen, and understood – and will calm down more quickly.
You can surf from one subject to another, and there doesn’t need to be much coherence. The most important thing is your understanding and empathy.
A De-escalating Conversation
In the following example, I have highlighted the keywords in bold:
A: I’m angry that you were late for our appointment.
B: Yes, I realize I was late, and I’m sorry about that. No wonder you got angry. Was there something you felt you missed out on?
A: Yes, we missed the first segment where she talked about home decor, and I was really looking forward to it.
B: I didn’t realize that home decor means so much to you. Why was it particularly important?
A: It was just important. I’m upset that you don’t think that what’s important to me is also important to you.
B: We apparently don’t have quite the same interests. Why is it important to you that we share the same interests?
A: I feel like you underestimate me, and that you don’t show me enough respect by, for example, always being late for our appointments.
B: OK, I do my best to prioritize you and show you respect, but maybe I don’t make it clear enough. How can I do it differently? What do you need the most?
A: I need us to spend more time together, and maybe go on a romantic weekend now and then.
B: That sounds like a good idea. I’d like to arrange a romantic weekend. How about in two weeks?
And so on….
In this way, A will better feel heard and understood because B is surfing from one subject to another – on A’s terms.
At this level of communication, B is the stronger of the two.
Note that it is not enough for B to simply say: “I understand” endlessly. This can make A more frustrated. B must instead listen carefully and repeat the keywords without trying to solve A’s problems, fix A, argue rationally, counterattack, feel criticized (even if A makes nasty attacks), or just stop A’s outbursts (even if they become unbearable).
When A feels seen, heard, and understood (in their emotional frenzy) after a while, A will calm down again.
3 – The Wishing Well
If you are the one feeling uncomfortable, or getting an emotion, or are angry, frustrated, or despondent, you use the feminine technique of going down into the Wishing Well.
This applies to both men and women.
On the way down, you air and express all your frustrated feelings almost completely freely, and when you reach the bottom, you get a push to come back up to the surface.
It takes practice from both to use the Wishing Well. The technique is that you ask for permission to go into the Well. When you get it, you say the five magic words: “It is not your fault“, which will make your partner relax and listen without risking feeling blamed or criticized.
Then you carefully and thoroughly instruct your partner on how they should react. Both while you speak and when you are finished.
In this way, your partner doesn’t have to guess (and probably guess wrong most of the time, what you need).
When you subsequently express your feelings completely freely, you must not use the word “YOU” under any circumstances. Only speak from yourself and describe your own feelings. At regular intervals, you must assure your partner that it is not their fault that you feel the way you do.
When you have practiced this method enough times, it is a very effective way to quickly resolve a frustration and get back on track. The frustrated party feels heard and understood and can quickly get it out. The other party can calmly give their partner EXACTLY what the partner needs at that moment – because they have just described it in detail. And everyone is happy 🙂
But it is important to practice it while it is still not necessary or serious, BEFORE it really gets bad. Partly to master the technique and remember the different steps, and partly to “program” your partner to listen in the way you need.
4 – The Hoffmann Method ©
When the subject is sensitive and the conversation becomes difficult, you should use The Appreciative Self-Responsible Dialogue, which is suitable for dealing with sensitive topics – perhaps many hours or days after they have been relevant.
There is a specific procedure or “framework” for speaking, listening, and understanding. Both can safely talk about what is going on, and the partner will be able to listen openly and curiously, understand – and later be understood with the exact same subject.
First, one speaks, and the other responds by repeating what was said. This way, you are able to understand – and feel understood.
When the “sender” is finished describing their frustration, they will draw threads back to previous similar experiences (before they met and formed a couple).
In this way, you take responsibility for your own things, get an overview of your reaction patterns, and heal any old wounds.
Then you switch roles, and now the other person takes the exact same situation as a starting point – just from their own point of view, so the other can understand why the behavior or reaction was such.
Again, you end by drawing threads back, perhaps far back, to take responsibility and understand.
It is a major project that requires ample time to complete, but it is very effective for resolving and dissolving all kinds of problems.
Here too, it is important that you practice many times before you can do it effectively and get the best out of it.
5 – One-on-One
If communication between the parties is really difficult, and they can barely look each other in the eyes due to frustration and anger, as a couples therapist in my clinic, I can create a confidential and safe space with a conversation with each of them.
The communication level here is called One-on-One.
It can unfold as follows:
I talk to one, repeat what I hear, and then convey it to the other, perhaps with slightly different words, saying, “This is what I hear your partner saying.”
Then I listen to the second person and do the same with the first.
In this way, the conversation can flow back and forth.
When it goes through me, it doesn’t feel critical, blaming, or direct.
I make sure it becomes softer and easier to listen to and thus understand.
You also hear what you are saying, and you can hear what is being said through me.
It may also be that I have a long conversation with one while the other just listens.
Later, it will be the other’s turn.
When I sit and talk with the individual client, it feels as if there are only the two of us in the whole world – even though the partner is sitting just an arm’s length away.
In this way, we can, in a simple and deep manner, thoroughly discuss even the most painful and vulnerable topics without the other feeling attacked or criticized.
The listening partner might learn many interesting things that they were not aware of before.
Furthermore, I can help articulate what is difficult to express and see new angles on the same situations.
This technique requires an experienced therapist.
It can be enormously relieving and clarifying if there are significant issues in the relationship.
The technique is somewhat similar to The Reflective Team.
Learning and Practice
The first four ways of communicating need to be learned and practiced thoroughly.
– Firstly, you need to practice so that the strategies and tools become good habits, ensuring that this is what you automatically do when life gets tough. So you don’t easily revert to old behavior patterns and unsuitable habits.
– Secondly, it’s to reprogram yourself and your partner. Just like Pavlov’s dogs with their conditioned reflexes. When a bell rang, the dogs started salivating because they had become accustomed to the bell meaning food many times before.
– It is important to first practice on “harmless topics”. When I used to sail as a mate, we had a fire drill every Saturday morning. Yet in the 12 years I sailed, I only experienced a fire on board twice. Nevertheless, we practiced once a week every single month, every single year. It added up to a lot of times, so we stayed sharp.
– When we practiced fire-fighting, shipwrecks, and man-overboard, we developed some skills for ourselves, but equally important, we also built trust in each other. During a fire drill, you must be sure that your partner behind you follows and does not run away because they are scared.
– When you have practiced many times together, there will be a security in the way you communicate. There are no surprises. You dare to be vulnerable and listen to understand. And when you have practiced, you become good at not sounding critical or blaming in your partner’s ears.
– It is important to practice THE RIGHT WAY. That means saying the “right” words in the correct order. For example, avoid using the word “YOU” – unless it’s in connection with “I love you” and “You are wonderful.” It is also important to start with an introduction and end with a conclusion.
It’s somewhat like learning a new language, a “relationship language,” that must be learned to be used properly. The fifth level of communication can, of course, only take place in couples therapy together with the therapist in the clinic.
Initially, you need to practice, especially when it is not necessary.
It’s not when the fire is raging that you should figure out how the fire extinguisher works. Fire drills should be conducted BEFORE it really burns.
Instruction and adjustment of the course could be a good idea to get the desired results.
Are You Thriving ♥ – Or Is It Hurting in the Relationship?
- I can save and improve your relationship quickly and effectively with specific communication tools and strategies so that you come to understand each other.
- If the relationship is in chaos with anxiety, anger, confusion, or stress, there may be a need for overview, structure, and clear common rules to create mutual understanding for each other.
- I am a kind of driving instructor who teaches “The Traffic Rules of Relationships”. In a way, it’s about both theory, signs, right-of-way rules, clutch points, parallel parking, city driving, night driving, and skid training. All this must be thoroughly learned before, after obtaining the driving license, you find your own driving style in your own type of vehicle. Whether it’s “a small Fiat” or “a huge 18-wheel truck.” If you know “The Traffic Rules of Relationships” and can handle your vehicle, you will reach your destination safely and securely on “the highway.”
If you want to find out if I can help you and your partner, please call me at phone +45 – 21 79 18 50
See more articles in English at www.parforhold-parterapi.dk/couples-therapist