The Chemistry Between Two People
What is the background of infatuation and love in terms of chemistry, physiology, and psychology?
Why has evolution equipped us with these two “entities”?
Infatuation is a fantastic feeling.
It is one of the best “kicks” one can imagine – completely natural without artificial additives.
Originally, evolution “invented” infatuation so that we could mate with a partner with good genes, ensuring a good upbringing for the offspring.
In this way, we influence the next generation, which can continue the propagation of our own genes.
But love is something entirely different from infatuation. This is what makes everything so difficult.
In short, infatuation is about taking.
Love is about giving.
Love is psychology and the CHOICE to give your partner what they most want and desire.
When both do this, they feel loving emotions.
But it can be difficult. Very difficult to figure out and make it work in a relationship.
If it is too difficult, there is an option to seek professional help from, for example, Couples Therapy Copenhagen and other places where skilled couples therapists and coaches are ready with knowledge, experience, and effective communication tools.
Infatuation
When we meet a person, and the right criteria are met, a cascade of chemical reactions in the brain begins, which we call infatuation.
This feeling attracts us to the other person and can, in a short time, deeply embed in our subconscious the desire to start a family and have children.
After about six months of infatuation, the hormonal influences from infatuation are replaced by other influences in the form of love, which means that we stay together to raise the children that resulted from the infatuation.
It is the “chemical attraction” in the brain that ensures the continuation of our genes.
Children require a lot of attention primarily from their parents.
The colossal development a human undergoes requires a long period of training. First, women are pregnant for about 40 weeks, and when the child is born, it takes many years before it is sexually mature and ready to fend for itself. If we go back a few hundred thousand years, it was very important for survival that a couple stayed together and helped each other provide food, protection, and upbringing for the offspring.
Today, there are other safety mechanisms in society that prevent a single mother and her children from being eaten by wild animals, but the chemical process has not stopped for that reason. Infatuation is still just as delightful, and love is still just as deep.
The Psychology of Infatuation
There are many different opinions on what infatuation and love are.
Some believe that one only loves once in a lifetime and that they immediately know it when they meet the love of their life. They believe that their beloved is a very special person – a prime specimen of humanity – chosen specifically for them.
Others believe that love conquers all. That love has such strength that two people who love each other will overcome all obstacles that may appear on the road to perfect happiness.
Both opinions are somewhat unrealistic.
The Physiology of Infatuation
Infatuation is both psychologically and biologically conditioned and is designed to attract two people to each other.
Humans have developed three separate but connected systems in the brain for mating and reproduction: sexual drive, infatuation, and bonding with a long-term partner (love). The phase the lover is in can be measured in a scanner.
Infatuation causes the release of endorphins and the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin influences our ability to form lasting bonds with another person.
Voles, which pair for life, produce large amounts of oxytocin, and if their oxytocin production is stopped, they lose the ability to form monogamous relationships. So it’s not just humans.
Desire and infatuation reside in two different places in the brain.
Researchers have found that intense romantic infatuation, which physiologically occurs in the right hemisphere of the brain, has more to do with aspects such as motivation, reward, and drive than with emotions and sex. Researchers point out that two areas in the human brain make us fall in love: the VTA area (Ventral Tegmental Area) at the base of the brain and the nucleus caudatus in the middle of the head. Both areas are important for motivation, reward, and drive, and they are involved in the production of the substance dopamine, which helps create our intense feelings of happiness.
The strength of infatuation and the fact that the VTA area and nucleus caudatus belong to the primitive part of the brain leads researchers to conclude that infatuation is not a feeling at all, but rather a primitive drive.
Sexual desire triggers an increase in the two hormones androgen and estrogen in men and women, respectively.
The Psychology of Love
Love is commonly understood as a warm, sincere feeling of affection and respect for another person. There are four types of love:
- Eros, between couples
- Agape, between people
- Storge, familial love
- Philia, friendly love
The first type is Eros-Love, which is love between couples – where physical/chemical/bodily attraction is present. This is what most people associate with the word love, but it is actually infatuation.
The second type of love is called Agape-Love, and it refers to caring for and being attached to another person, especially family members or close friends. Pets can also be objects of love. In a more metaphorical sense, there can be a kind of love relationship to things or situations. This type of love is often more superficial or metaphorical, as in the phrase “I love the smell of freshly baked bread.” For religious people, there can also be love for God, and especially in Christianity, love for one’s neighbor is a central concept.
The third type of love, (storge, στοργή), is familial love. This type of love covers the bonds formed between family members in a large family.
The fourth type of love, (philia, φιλία), is often translated as brotherly love and friendly love. This love is seen as a strong friendship bond between people who share the same values or interests.
Technique
I have described the technical explanation of what infatuation and love are.
From an evolutionary perspective, infatuation helps increase the chances of propagating the species’ genes.
Love makes us want to stay together and help raise and nurture the children.
But just as it doesn’t matter how a television works technically, because the interesting thing is what we see on the television, the information about chemistry and behavior related to
infatuation is also quite secondary.
Instead, let’s enjoy the feeling and do what we can to make infatuation and love as good an experience as possible.
If there turn out to be too many difficult aspects in the relationships, there is fortunately help available, so life and happiness can be easier.
If you want to find out if I can help you and your partner, please call me at phone +45 – 21 79 18 50
See more articles in English at www.parforhold-parterapi.dk/couples-therapist
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