The Bad Habits – If There Is NO Structure in Your Daily Life
Many married couples/partners develop daily habits and routines over the years that can be harmful or even downright destructive for a healthy relationship.
However, experience shows that just a few adjustments in daily life can significantly improve the relationship.
It’s about creating some fixed anchor points or pivot points with structure, focus, and presence throughout the day.
When you are at work, there are usually specific routines like clocking in, answering calls, filing, etc.
But when you get home, it can often be a random mess where there’s no overview and no agreement on what should happen.
I have some suggestions for what you could try for a few months until you figure out your own routines that suit you best.
If it turns out to be too difficult to get these routines under control on your own, it might be a good idea to consider couples therapy in Copenhagen with a professional couples coach or therapist.
This will make the learning process much shorter and easier.
If it is too hard to do by yourself, you can reach out to couples therapist in Copenhagen to get help.
Otherwise I suggest you first try the following division of the day.
Morning
My recommendation is that the morning should ideally be divided into five parts:
1. Get up at the same time
It is important that you start the day together.
Maybe by telling each other what you are grateful for and what you appreciate about your partner.
Maybe also talk about the day’s tasks and what to keep in mind.
2. Adult time
If one of you spends significantly more time in the bathroom, the other can, for instance, walk the dog, make lunch packs, meditate, check emails, or do whatever can be done.
3. Family time
Then there’s waking the children, getting them dressed, packing, making lunch packs, etc.
4. Breakfast
Eat breakfast together, and prioritize being together around the breakfast table.
The breakfast meal is the first important contact point of the day.
Give each other and the food your full attention (even if you are just having a cup of coffee).
No distractions in the form of TV, newspapers, mobile phones, or anything else.
It’s good to start the day with attention and presence.
5. Off you go
Out the door and off to the day’s duties.
Perhaps count backwards with the time from when the first of you has to leave, over breakfast, children-time, adult-time, and get-up time.
That way you can figure out when the alarm clock should ring.
And allow enough time to take it easy. A stressful morning is rarely good for anyone, especially not for the children.
The time between work and bedtime with structure in daily life:
My recommendation is that the evening should ideally be divided into five parts:
- Transition time
- Family time
- Alone time
- Couple time
- Go to bed at the same time
1. Transition time
When you meet after work, are you conscious of how you make contact with each other? What have you chosen to prioritize in the transition from job to free time/family time? It can be a good idea to agree on a “transition” when you meet. A lock into a harbor is the link between the tidal sea and the calm harbor with a constant and safe distance between the ship’s deck and the quay.
A lock in the relationship works almost the same way: The one who is at home welcomes the one who comes home.
Maybe offering a cup of tea, a beer, or you just sit down and talk.
Create a good connection! Turn off the stove and ignore the mobile phone during transition time.
Look into each other’s eyes and maybe hold each other’s hands. It can be two minutes or half an hour, depending on your needs and how much time you have available that day. But as a rule of thumb, 5-10 minutes is best.
Typically, one of you needs more attention than the other. In that case, it is important not to appear demanding and impatient, as this will push the other away.
Feel free to use the “Wishing Well” as a communication tool, so you create a good and safe environment to talk together.
Children
If you have children, the transition is the time of day when children’s TV really has its place. Put the kids in front of the TV, or ask them to go to their rooms, so you can find each other in peace.
It should be a firm ritual where you prioritize the situation highly, and the children know that they should not disturb you – unless there’s a fire or something similar.
It may take a few weeks for the children to get used to the fact that now mom and dad have transition time, where they must not be disturbed under any circumstances.
The transition is a good passage from a hectic day to (hopefully) more peaceful family life.
If one of you needs time alone immediately after work, you must take it either in the car home, or agree that the first few minutes at home proceed in a certain way. Relatively quickly, you must (re)find each other. It’s not good enough that one peels potatoes and the other checks texts.
Give each other full attention. You should also ideally sit or stand close to each other. When you have made contact through the transition, the rest of the evening will more likely go better and easier.
At the same time, you show the children that you take each other and the relationship seriously. That you practice the priority triangle and focus on its upper half.
Transition time is the second important contact point of the day.
2. Family time
Family time is cooking, setting the table, eating (focusing on each other!), clearing the table, washing dishes, relaxation time, brushing teeth, bedtime reading, putting the children to bed, tidying up, and similar activities. Family time usually functions quite naturally…
It is a really good idea to prioritize eating together in the evening. To give the food and each other focus. To have respect for the meal.
3. Alone Time
Everyone needs to be alone sometimes. In the old days, there was the Gentleman’s room, where the man could retreat, allowing each person to have peace.
This does not exist today.
Some people feel that they are ON all the time.
All day.
Never any peace or deep reflection.
Therefore, alone time is extremely important.
It is a period where you are not obligated to each other.
You can do whatever you want, and the length of the period is agreed upon in advance.
The small children are put to bed, and the older children take care of themselves.
You can do whatever you please, for example meditate, check emails, watch TV together, go for a run, or anything where you are not obligated to each other.
During alone time, you should not disturb your partner.
It is me time.
But it can also take place together, for example, if you watch a movie. Just be aware that you are not obligated to each other and can just get up and leave.
Alone time can typically last about an hour.
During the day, there should also be time for yourself.
My parents ran a hotel together on Funen, and when they sold it after 30 years, the new owner told me that he couldn’t understand why my father regularly drove to Svendborg to an wholesale warehouse to buy various things for the business – when it could be delivered.
A year later, I heard the same man say that he now understood why my father did it: To get away from it all once in a while.
4. Couple Time
Couple time is the third important contact point of the day.
One of you must take responsibility for ensuring there is couple time.
This means that you in advance have agreed on whether to share it between you, such as Monday-Wednesday-Friday, or every other week or something similar.
Experience shows that if both of you are responsible, it usually means that neither of you is responsible, and couple time can risk being postponed or forgotten.
The one responsible for couple time ensures that during transition or family time, a specific start time for couple time is agreed upon – whenever it suits both of you best.
The responsible one can perhaps remind the other an hour or half an hour before the agreed time.
Brew a cup of tea or open a goodnight beer, sit across from each other, and be together.
Recognition
You may start couple time by recognizing each other for something you each appreciate about the other.
It is also a good idea to say every day: “I would like to recognize you for <something you have either said, done, or been> during the day.”
For example: “I would like to recognize you for doing the dishes, even though it wasn’t your turn today.”
The partner responds with “Thank you!” while looking into each other’s eyes.
Then it’s the other person’s turn.
During couple time, you can talk about the events of the day or about the things that are difficult.
You can talk about what works well in your relationship, such as when you feel most in harmony with your partner, most happy, loved, supported, understood, accepted, and cared for.
You can also talk about what is fun to do, what makes you smile and laugh, and how you can have more fun together in the future.
In this way, you are positive and define what you want to move towards, which is better than just complaining about what you don’t want.
Of course, you can also talk about what is difficult in the relationship.
Feel free to use either the Appreciative Responsible Dialogue or the Wishing Well.
Or you can just sit and hold hands without saying anything and look into each other’s eyes.
Maybe you’ll French kiss for several minutes without stopping!
Or you can plan the next vacation.
Listen
When you talk together, you should carefully listen to what your partner says.
When you both do this, both will feel heard and maybe even understood.
When you prioritize couple time together, it will strengthen your sense of connection.
Experience shows that this will also have a positive effect on the rest of the family (the children).
Couple time can range from five minutes to more than an hour, depending on what you agree on and what you need.
All too often, the relationship is prioritized lowest, but this way you ensure that you have a good talk at least once a day.
End preferably with each of you recognizing the other for something said or done during couple time that gave you a good positive feeling.
Exercises in Couple Time
Here are a few examples of exercises you can do if you both agree to it.
Exercise #1
Sit comfortably across from each other.
One person closes their eyes and breathes at a calm pace, while the other attentively looks at the first person for 2-3 minutes.
Then you switch roles.
Now switch again, and this time the other person will look at and mirror (copy) the first person’s breathing. Follow each other.
Then switch roles again.
The next step is for both of you to look at each other and mirror each other’s breathing at a calm pace. Also, listen at the same time. Use all your senses, which are directed towards your partner.
Then switch roles again.
Finally, move your chairs next to each other.
Both close your eyes, and first one places their hand on the other’s back and mirrors their breathing.
Then switch roles again.
This exercise can create a sense of connection between you.
Exercise #2
Be aware that coercion or manipulation in connection with this exercise will have the opposite effect of what is desired.
Sit close together and look deeply into each other’s eyes for, for example, five minutes without saying a word.
Either of you can stop the exercise earlier if it feels uncomfortable.
The goal is to create a deep connection between you.
Avoid staring at each other.
Give your partner your full attention and curiosity.
If you start to laugh or cry, let it be as it is, but remain connected with each other nonetheless. 
Afterwards, you can talk about what happened during the exercise.
Did your consciousness try to distract you? Did painful feelings arise?
Did one of you try to sabotage the exercise with grimaces and fun?
What feelings were you trying to suppress with the antics?
Or was it a pleasant exercise where you truly connected with each other?
5. Go to Bed at the Same Time
The fifth and final point of the evening is that you should go to bed immediately after your couple time.
Perhaps lovemaking will occur, or maybe you will just sleep.
Avoid discussing, reading, or watching TV in bed.
The bed is for sleeping and making love.
Intimacy
Many believe that intimacy is only about sex.
But intimacy is honesty and vulnerability. This applies to both men and women.
When you realize that you can honestly tell your partner what is right and true for you, that is intimacy.
When you can show yourself exactly as you are, and your partner’s reaction is: “You can TRUST me. You are SAFE and SECURE with me.
I ACCEPT and RESPECT you as you are” and you can feel that it is true and sincerely meant, that is intimacy.
Basically, there are three things you can each check off with each other just before you fall asleep:
- What I am grateful for in my relationship today.
- What I am proud of that I have done for my relationship today. What my effort has been.
- What I have contributed to the relationship today.
Gratitude
It’s a good idea, just before you fall asleep, to review the good, positive experiences of the day, where you each perhaps mention some things you are grateful that the other has said, done, or been.
It could also be something else that makes you happy.
It’s a fantastic foundation to fall asleep on.
Effort
Often, you may feel that your partner does not notice everything you have done during the day.
When you tell about what you feel you have done for your relationship today, you find out whether it is something your partner values, or whether you might need to do something different.
Therefore, it’s a good idea to offer up all the good things you feel you have done for the relationship throughout the day.
It is not certain that your partner has noticed it, or maybe just forgot it, or does not consider it special.
If you just stay quiet and hope your partner notices on their own, you may end up waiting a long time and becoming very frustrated.
And if you have done something that means nothing to your partner, you have just wasted your time and effort—and risk becoming both frustrated and bitter.
You both need to share what positive contributions you have made to the relationship. – If both parties do this, they both contribute to the relationship.
Key Points
The most important key points of the relationship during a normal day with a structured routine should, as mentioned, be breakfast, decompression time, dinner, and couple time.
There may also be other times when one of you needs special attention.
You can agree that if one of you says, for example, “Red flag,” it means that full presence is required without jokes or play—perhaps for a specific (short) period.
Possibly set an egg timer for five or ten minutes, so the conversation is focused and limited.
If you have very different sleep rhythms or work hours, you must try to adjust your daily schedule as best as possible, but it would be a good idea to look to the above morning and evening rituals.
Find a routine that suits you, and if it gives good results, stick to it.
Quick-guide Morning:
- Get up at the same time
- Adult time
- Kid time
- Eat breakfast together
- Off you go
Quick-guide Evening:
- Decompression time with contact
- Family time
- Alone time
- Couple time
- Go to bed at the same time
Daily Strategies for the Relationship
- Start the day together by getting up at the same time.
- Eat breakfast together (with the rest of the family). Focus on the food and on each other.
- Be grateful for what you have, and avoid being dissatisfied with what you don’t have.
- Understand before you expect to be understood.
- Express yourself clearly and make sure you are understood. What you say should make sense to the recipient.
- Choose to give your partner what they want. Even if you might not feel like it. When you both choose to do this, you both feel the love.
- Prioritize yourself first by sensing what you want, then clearly and explicitly expressing your need.
Next, prioritize your partner by listening and giving.
The next priority is job and children.
Finally, prioritize everything and everyone else.
Be present where you are. The priority order is not static but dynamic. - Create trust, safety, and respect for your partner, and create self-confidence, self-care, and self-respect for yourself.
- Always make good contact with your partner when you meet at some point during the day, with, for example, kisses, hugs, questions, listening, and similar.
- Be aware that any pain, whether physical, mental, or emotional, is a symptom and a warning signal that something is wrong. The problem may lie somewhere entirely different. Solve it.
- In the time between family time (cooking, dinner, bedtime, etc.) and bedtime, make sure to have alone time (without obligations or expectations) and couple time (with full attention on each other).
- Go to bed at the same time and end the day by expressing something you are grateful for. Preferably something related to your partner.
Gratitude is the key to happiness.
This is the best way to structure a normal day. Of course, there may be things that prevent this plan from holding. But it should be the beacon in your relationship and life.
If you want to find out if I can help you and your partner with couples coaching, please call me at phone +45 – 21 79 18 50
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